Friday, 7 March 2014

Word of the Week: Absence

This last month has been full with brand new presence. Three brand new baby girls have been born to friends over the last month. Two firstborns and one little sister. 

It's been wonderful to welcome these bundles of joy and to celebrate with their parents but it has made me aware of the absence of something else.


I was eager to start a family with J since soon after we moved in together when we had been together for two years. J wanted to get married first and I was half way through teacher training. so it was not the right time. 

All friends babies were highly anticipated and shopped for. Newborns were squeezed and their gorgeous new smell breathed into my empty womb and twitching ovaries. I wanted to start a family with the man I loved. I couldn't wait. But J could. 

So we waited three years and I was qualified and we were married and two months after "I do" we had our BFP. 

Nine months and a labour later L was born. 

I don't know if it's the birth trauma I am still dealing with, or the sleep deprivation still a very much real memory. But I am not broody. And it's absence is weird. 

I see gorgeous scrunched up just welcomed to the world faces and I still get the rush of love for them, the desire for cuddles, I remember L when she was that small, or not as some have been titchy! 

But I don't get the twitchy overlies, I don't get the empty longing for a baby of my own. Obviously this has been quashed with being pregnant and becoming a mummy to L. It is also a mix of excitement for our friends making this big leap into the wonderful world of parenthood. I know what the new parents have waiting for them and it is so much better than I imagined and I am excited for them.

But it does make me wonder. This absence of broody. Will I ever be broody again? 

We have vaguely talked about siblings for L, we both know we want her to have siblings and I think I would like to be pregnant again. I certainly have some dealing with L's birth left to work through. There are certainly things I will be doing differently, and that is a whole different blog post! 

So it's been a week of presence and absence. 

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