This week I have been a victim of my own expectations. They are self imposed so no sympathy needed, just a kick up the butt is needed.
This week we have walked up hills, in rain and really very far. We have been to two new physical baby activities. We have washed two weeks of clothes. We have cooked and eaten from fresh ingredients on all but two days for all three meals a day. We have played with new toys. We have tripped into Central London and wondered around a gallery. We have socialised with our friends and made new ones.
But still I feel I am not doing enough, that I am letting down my husband and baby by not having a cleaner house, by not having fresh food on all days and by going to bed so early I barely see my husband when he returns from work.
Who sets these expectations? Who is watching me and assessing me? Who is a bit of a mess because of the above?
It's all me. I set these expectations. I am watching myself and assessing myself as failing and I am a bit of a mess this week because of it. I am knackered, I am stressed. I went to the dentist with tooth ache to be told my teeth are fine but stress is making my jaw seeze up and ache.
I need to give myself a break, lower my self imposed, impossibly high expectations and realx. It is making me stressed and this is impacting on how I spend time with my baby.
I sit during dinner and the increasing amount of food dropped on the floor just makes me frustrated.
When L is being clingy and fussy due to teething or tiredness I lose patience and find it hard to keep a clear head.
Yes the house is a mess. Yes sometimes dinner is curtesy of the fish and chip shop. Yes this weeks ocado shop was a total failure due to forgetting to check out my edited basket. Yes the washing up pile gets higher before it gets cleared.
I have a happy social baby who loves being out and exploring.
I have my health and due to the walking a returning fitness.
I have a husband who loves me and is incredibly patient with my melt downs and tears.
So expectations which are self imposed and so high I can't help buy fail are finished with. I need to set them aside. Start daily to do lists which are achievable so that I feel a sense of achievement. Start small and build up.
Set aside the expectation that right now I can do it all. Realistically I can not, but that is ok. We eat, we sleep, we learn and we grow. We love and support. We celebrate. We relax.